start spreadin' the news..

WARNING: this is the first of surely many pieces that will collectively form my 'coming of age' college story. this is my first impressions story. the story of my life now. it's the piece i've been dying to write but can never quite find the ever-elusive "right" words for.

it seems that unless there's something incredibly challenging or painful going on, i'm incapable of writing about my life in a way that doesn't put me to sleep as i type. i still haven't overcome the exact same obstacle in regards to documenting my whole "katrina thing". everyone encourages me to do so saying, "do it. it'll be good. your perspective will be fresh and interesting and human," which is what i want. above all, i'm striving for humanity here, which seems to stay just out reach in an attempt to steal my sanity. it is a tease. it flashes it's human ass in my face and runs when i try to grab it, and dammit. i don't like teases.

but i digress..

on this very night, in an attempt to write this very piece, i sat down with all the proper and certainly necessary ingredients:
-trendy macbook (in your face, bill gates.. with your 50+ billion dollars that i haven't seen a penny of)
-emo-but-not-really emo glasses with which to see the screen and look a little more pensive as i do so
-indie rock filling the air around me to serve as artistic fuel
-healthy snack to help my brain cells function enough for me to write something other than "college is great. i like college. yay college."..

but all of a sudden the song changes from arcade fire to elo's 'strange magic' and i'm reminded of the fact that i am not all these things. i'm not the pensive, sorta-emo girl who sits around blogging fascinating and intense snippets of her life that makes people want to read regularly and catches the attention of some hipster website dying to add a cute girl with emo glasses, a slight psychosis (in the literal sense of the word), and a knack for metaphors as a syndicated web-writer. no, that's not me. anymore.

yes, i have changed. i suppose that with such a drastic change of scenery, it was inevitable that the person going along for the ride would change as well, and oh. that's me. the funny thing is, when i look back at the last year or so, (maybe even stretch to two years) i don't really know who i am, or rather, who i was. i kind of lost my identity during that time, wandering around going through the motions but not really learning anything or expressing myself. i allowed all my grief and hatred of change to affect me so much that i spent most of days lying bed eating (and wondering why i was gaining weight..), going shopping with my dad's money, and amassing a badass, cutting-edge itunes collection. all seemingly fun activities, but not when they're your life.

when i think about the year that i took off, i'm so glad that i did because i was not in any way ready to go to college and buckle down and adhere to rules and shit. and who's going to spend thousands of dollars for me to lie in bed, shop with my dad's money, and amass a badass, cutting-edge itunes library in new york, where everything's seven times as expensive as in kansas city? ..not john ducre, i can assure you.

but i am in new york now. just in case there are still people in yugoslavia who don't know. (you can no longer say i never keep you in the loop) i took my year off and used it to grow and help and work, and a few months ago, in expectation of my amazing new life in new york, i had all my hair cut off and razor-edged and bought edgy new clothes that i never wear, and downloaded all the right music for my new life in new york, and did everything i felt i needed to do to make this the most amazing year of my life, because that's what college is supposed to be, right? it doesn't matter that i'm now growing my hair back out and i spent one entire saturday afternoon downloading all the music my mom and pop listened to, for nostaligic purposes, i suppose. the point is, i'm edgy. i'm cool. i'm in new york, for christs' sake. except, not. i'm still just.. kristena. i listen to the same three songs (and the across the universe soundtrack) on repeat, i wear my old greek fest t-shirt and try not to be seen in my glasses too much in public. i still want to call my mom sometimes just to hear her southern drawl, and i still laugh when my pop repeats the same things over and over without realizing it. my dad is still this strange superhero to me, capable of anything. and i still miss my sisters more than anyone else. i still love new orleans with a ferocity that few people understand, and i still weigh the long-term consequences and benefits of getting my nose pierced and finally getting that other tattoo. (they're inevitable, you know.)

the only real difference is, i'm at fordham, which i came to with the expectation of loving and, holy crap. i do love it. wow. nothing too exciting there. i wish i had some crazy story about wandering the city with my new friends and finding ourselves while exploring the nooks and crannies of the greatest city in the world, but i don't. i don't really wander the city in any profound way. i walk to restaurants to get food. i walk to stores to buy stuff that i don't need in an effort to keep our economy strong, because that responsibility rests on my shoulders, or so i've tried to convince my dad since moving here.. i met new people, of course. and i love them. i'm making great friends and hopefully my friends say the same thing and group me in that category.

i think the biggest thing is that there's not much to miss back home. i almost feel heartless saying that, but i've been separated from my friends and my mom and pop back in louisiana, so yes, i miss them. but it's not some kind of gut-wrenching, new thing. i'm used to it, which dulls the ache. and sure, i miss my dad, but it doesn't make me want to run back to texas as soon as i get a break. it just makes me want to call him every once in a while to talk, which we never do because he works so much and i'm an hour ahead and always out partying or eating at a diner with that hot-hottie mj and our boys from 2C. (shameless shout out)

i do love new york city, but that isn't a ground-breaking announcement. how could i not? this is where i've wanted to be for as long as i can remember. as a little girl in a leotard at ballet class, i said 'i'm going to go to new york to be a ballerina." back in middle school at my arts school when i got into theatre, i said 'i'm going to new york to be on broadway'. and in high school, when i had to give up on those dreams, i said 'i'm going to go to new york for college so the city can cradle me lovingly with it's cultured arms'.. (okay, maybe i didn't say shit like that in actuality, but it's a nice way to drive home the point that i've always dreamt of coming here.)

i guess the point of all of this is, college is great. i like college. yay college.


much love.