i'm homesick. like a motherfucker. and not for any place that i've lived in during the past two years. no, i'm homesick for HOME. i lie here in bed and look at googlemaps of my old house in new orleans and wikipedia my old school and cry. i don't know why but sometimes it feels like i left home yesterday and sometimes it feels like two years ago and sometimes it feels like it's been a decade, but i always miss it the same. wholeheartedly. desperately. i want to go home. i want to wake up in my bed in my old room in my house and realize that everything in the last two years was a massive nightmare. i want to wake up and go get krispy kreme donuts with my pop instead of watching the mayor announce a mandatory evacuation. i wand to call cherie to make sure we're still going to the st. aug/35 jamboree and call andrei to make sure he's coming with us for our first outing together as planned, instead of packing a change of clothes to take to alabama. i want to take a bath in our big porceline claw foot tub and curl up in bed with my mama and take a nap until noon instead of moving my parent's dresser drawers and mattresses upstairs. i want my life back. i want the two years that were stolen from me. i want all the things i was supposed to have. i want the senior year at franklin with my friends instead of in missouri where i hated everything and had hardly any friends. i want my city, my home, my life. it's insane to me that it's been two years and i still cry like a baby and miss it and i still feel so bitter. i hold it all in because talking about it with anyone who isn't from there is like trying to translate from a foreign language. talking about it doesn't change anything, and i'm afraid that no amount of talking is going to make me feel any better. it's been two years and it's still a huge open wound. absolutely nothing went as planned. my relationships with the people i love, my mom, my pop, andrei, my grandma, my friends- it all suffered. my mom and i can hardly have a conversation. i don't even know what to say anymore. i feel like i'm trying to fill her in on my life and that's just not right. she was supposed to be there. she was supposed to meet my boyfriend and help me fill out applications for college and help me get ready for my senior prom. she was supposed to be there, not hundreds of miles away in lafayette while i hated my life in missouri. i don't even know what to say about all of it. i just feel so fucking homesick. i love it here in new york, i do. it's just that everything is so new and i'm adjusting and getting along and enjoying myself, but i shouldn't have come here from houston, texas. i don't know. i'm rambling. i'm just really fucking homesick, i guess..