i'm playing the world's smallest violin for myself..

So I forget sometimes that the reason I'm here in New York is to go to college. I mean, yeah I live on campus so it's not exactly like there's a day goes by when I don't realize that I'm a college student- especially those days when all I wear is a pair of fleece plaid pajama pants and a Fordham hoodie (it only happened once, i swear!)- but it IS easy to forget that New York City is not home. especially as more and more days go by. we're only three or so weeks away from christmas break, which means almost an entire month away from here, and i'm kind of feeling apprehensive about it. i don't know. maybe i'm just so adjusted to my way of life here, and maybe since i didn't go back to houston for thanksgiving, i'm even more detached. who knows? but i DO feel a little nervous about going back to houston. i'm looking forward to going to louisiana, though. i kind of want to go see my mother, even though i just don't feel like dealing with any drama or fighting. i don't know if that'll happen. i hope i do get to see her, because it's been so long, which is a damn shame.

on the upside, i aced that computer science project yesterday. who'da thunk it? considering the fact that i spent three hours doing a project that wasn't what the assignment was and had to do the entire thing in an hour before that class- between class # 2 of 4 and #3 of 4. so things are going a little better there. i'm a little- no, a LOT concerned about my arabic class, too. but this point of this blog isn't to rant about my coursework, now is it? answer: no kristena, it isn't.

the need to get out of the city is still there, but isn't as overwhelming as it was a few weeks ago.. i still kind of feel like my sanity may be jeopardized if i don't get out fairly soon, but i don't feel like i'll die. that's an improvement.. but i do need to get out of the city. even if it's just for a day. i think as soon as i get some money, i'm going to choose a city and take a bus or a train there for the day. maybe i'll go to boston or something. maybe philadelphia. somewhere i've never been. maybe even a city where i have friends from back home that i haven't seen in a long while. probably not though, because i think it should be a just me thing. or me and a close friend or two from here. i don't know. but i've got to get out. i know that much.

on a semi-related note, i was on the 'book today, responding to messages and checking the news feed and stalking and whatnot and i noticed that a friend of mine from back home posted new pictures and as i was looking through them, i realized how out of the new orleans loop i am. it's ...most unfortunate. i haven't been back in FOREVER (as in, since the summer). i mean, i know that the moment i step foot back on new orleans soil, thing will fall back into place in a very comfortable way, but i've been feeling like a visitor the last few times i went back. i don't know. i still hold out hope that by the time i have children of my own, the city will be back to the way it was when i was a kid, because otherwise, i have no idea where i'll raise my children. i suppose that once i get older and start traveling around, i'll find a city that i feel has a suitable atmosphere for the way in which i want to raise my kiddies.. because at this point, the only place i can think of that feels right and where my kids could have a hometown experience as awesome as the one i had is new orleans. phooey. maybe that's just my excessive hometown pride at work. maybe i'm just homesick- for HOME, not houston. i don't know.

it also doesn't help that i miss my REAL friends like whoa.

on a completely unrelated note, it rained in the city yesterday and the day before and there was something really beautiful and peaceful about the city soaking wet, gray, overcast. it can be pretty gloomy (depending on your mood) because everything's cement and metal, but if you're in the right frame of mind, there's something really eerie and beautiful about it. i suppose i was just in the right frame of mind. oddly enough, the same frame of mind that has me wanting to listen to nothing but r&b and neo-soul. what's wrong with me!?! maybe i just miss my sister liz a lot. (haha- i do, though. like, a lot a lot.) i don't know, but ne-yo has been caressing my ears for a few days now and i don't see an end to that mood any time soon.

i have been in a weird mood lately, though. but r&b is not the problem. neither is homesickness. i don't know what the problem is, but something's off kilter.